When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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