Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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