hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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