Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
