Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
