So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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