Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
