It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
