Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
