he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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