so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
