1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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