and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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