He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
