so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
