You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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