Tell her she can't have a vagina
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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