I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I showed him my bush... on skype.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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