God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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