So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
