I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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