we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
