There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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