Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
