Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
