i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
