Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
