dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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