A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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