I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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