I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
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It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
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At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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