If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
