I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So here I am, sexting at work.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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