Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
