I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
