remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
