70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
