so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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