he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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