dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
