i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
