this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
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Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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