you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
