Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
