btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
