i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
