i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
