new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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