are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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