Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
