i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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