Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
