Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
