got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
