He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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