This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
