Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
