i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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