: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
