Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
