Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
